有关英语笑话大全带翻译

有关英语笑话大全带翻译

1、"A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goats' milk was used.　　She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced. She then asked, "What do you do with your older goats in America?" 　　A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"一群美国人乘长途汽车在荷兰旅游。他们在一个奶酪场停下来。一位年轻的导游带他们参观了奶酪制作的全过程，解释说用的是羊奶。 她指给这群人一个美丽的山坡，山坡上许多羊在吃草。对这些，她解释说，是放逐草地的老羊，它们已不能再产奶。她然后问道：“在美国你们怎样处理老羊呢？” 　　一位活泼的老绅士回答说：“他们让我们乘车旅行！”"

2、Ask Your OwnIt was a cold，raw day at p Clark was discussing the gamins of the cities with an English latter expatiated on the wit of the London type of the k declared that if the Englishman were to ask any Washington street urchin any question，the urchin would make sallied forth. “What time is it，Bub？They tell me you can tell time by your nose，”said the visitor to the first newsboy they met. “Ask your own，mister，mine ain't run nin’，”was the reply.这是华盛顿的一个阴冷天。钱普·克拉克正和一个来访的英国人讨论城市的流浪儿，英国人详细地叙述着伦敦式天才的机智。克拉克宣称，要是对方向华盛顿街上任何一个儿童提任何问题，那孩子都会对答如流。他们便出发了。 “什么时候了，小兄弟？人们说你能用鼻子报时。” 回答是：“先生，问问你自己的吧，的不在走呢。”

3、"The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student. "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked."I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied."Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the impressed dean."No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it.农校的招生办主任在面试一个上线的学生，“你为何要选择这个职业？”他问。 “我梦想以经营农场来赚一百万元，就像我父亲一样。”这个学生回答说。 “你父亲经营农场赚了一百万元？”主任惊诧地问道。“没有，”这位申请人回答道，“他总是梦想着赚到这个数目。”"

4、"Uncle Frank, at 79, was a healthy and wealthy man, a lifelong bachelor. He courted a lot, he said, but "never boiled over-just simmered." On a whim, he decided to take a trip around the country to look up nearly a dozen old girlfriends.　　Upon his return he exclaimed, "Whew! Thank goodness I never married any of those women - They're all widows now!弗兰克叔叔七十八岁了，富有而健康。他是个终生单身汉。他曾追求过很多女孩，但“从不过热----见好就收”。一天他突发奇想，决定四处走走，去看看他那些接近一打的旧时女友。他回来即叹道：“嘘！谢天谢地幸亏我没娶那些女人中的任何一个。如今她们都成寡妇了！”"

5、"A boy cried to his mother, "All the children make fun of me. They say I have a big head."　　"Don't listen to them," his mother said, "You have a beautiful head. Now stop crying and go to the store to buy twenty pounds of patotoes.""Where is the shopping bag?" 　　"I haven't got one-use your hat."一个小男孩向他母亲哭诉道：“他们都取笑我，说我脑袋大。” “别听他们的，”他母亲安慰道，“你有一个很漂亮的脑袋。好啦，别哭了，去商店买十斤土豆来。” 　　“购物袋在哪儿？” 　　“没购物袋了----就用你的帽子吧。”"

6、"Hurrying my 11-year old daughter to school, I made a right turn at a red light when it was prohibited. Uh-oh, I said, realizing my mistake. I just make an illegal turn.I guess it's all right, my daughter replied, The police car behind us did the same thing.我赶着开车将11岁的女儿送到学校去，在红灯处右拐了，而那是不允许的(译注:在一些国家如英国,其交通规则是车辆左行的,与我国相反)。啊噢，意识到犯了错误，我说。我刚才拐弯是违章的。我想那没关系的，女儿回答说：我们后面的警车也同样拐了弯。"

7、"A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."乘客轻拍了一下出租车司机的肩膀，想问个问题。司机大叫起来，车也失去了控制，几乎撞上一辆公车，还上了便道，在还差几厘米就撞上商店橱窗时终于停了下来。司机说：“伙计，别再这么干了。你把我吓破胆了！”乘客抱歉地说，“我没想到拍你一下就吓成这样。” 司机说：“对不起，也不全是你的错。今天是我第一天开出租，以前25年里我一直开殡葬车。”"

8、A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS Rottweiler "JESUS".一个窃贼潜入一户人家。他看到一个喜欢的CD机，他赶紧拿了。就在这个时候他听到有人说：“耶稣正在看着你。”他照着手电看来看去，嘀咕着：“到底是什么人在说话？”这时，他看到桌子上有些钱，他又拿了。。。那声音又来了：“耶稣正在看着你。”他躲到一个角落，想找出是谁在说话。结果看到一只鹦鹉，于是他问鹦鹉：“是你在说话吗？”鹦鹉承认了。 小贼说：“你叫什么名字？”“摩西”。小贼说：“什么人给鸟取这种名字？”鹦鹉回答：“就是那个给他的罗威那犬取名为‘耶稣’的那个人啊。”

9、"The girl found the go-between and said, "You cheated me ! One of his eyes is not true. Why didn't you tell me this before ?"　　"I have told you. " said the go-between with justice on his side, When you met first, I told you that he settled on you with one eye.姑娘找到媒人，说：“你欺骗了我。他的一只眼是假眼，你以前为什么不告诉我？” “怎么没告诉你？”媒人也不甘示弱，“你们第一回见面后，我就说，他一眼就看中你了。”"

10、"Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents'. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the younger one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."His older brother nudged him and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."To which the younger one replied, "No, but Grandma is!"两个小男孩在他们的祖父母家过夜。睡觉时间到了，这两个小男孩跪在床上祈祷。弟弟用非常大的声音祈祷着，“我祈求有一辆新自行车……我祈求有一个新游戏机……我祈求有一个新录像机……”他的哥哥用胳膊肘轻轻地碰了他一下，说：“你为什么这么大声地喊叫呢？上帝又不是聋子。”弟弟听了回答道：“上帝是不聋，可奶奶聋呀！”"

11、"At the mall, my wife and I picked up some hardware items, including a handsaw. We were heading back to the car when we passed a 's try it. " my wife suggested. Although I felt a little foolish carrying the saw, I followed her ning the menu, my wife told the waitress, " I' 11 have chopped sirloin, waitress turned to me, eyed my saw and commented, "And I see that. you, sir, have come for our T-bone special.在集市上，我和妻子买了一些五金用品，包括一个手锯。我们返回汽车时刚好路过一家牛排店。 “我们尝尝吧，”我妻子建议说。尽管我觉得拿着锯有点傻乎乎的，但还是随她走了进去。 我妻子扫视了一下菜单对女招待说：“请给我来一份炒牛腰片。” 女招待转向我，看了看我的锯，说道：“我能看出，先生，你是来吃我们的T形骨特色菜的。”"

12、"One day, Tim's mathematics teacher looked at his homework and saw that he had got all his sums teacher was very pleased-and rather called Tim to his desk and said to him, "You got all your homework right this time, Tim. What happened? Did your father help you?""No, sir. He was too busy last night, so I had to do it all myself," said Tim."一天，蒂姆的数学老师看了他的作业，发现他全做对了。老师很高兴，同时也十分惊讶。他把蒂姆叫到桌前说："蒂姆，你这次的作业全都做对了，怎么回事？你爸爸帮你做了吗？""不，先生，我爸爸昨天很忙，我不得不全由自己做。""

13、"How do I get the gum out? Distributing chewing gum to the passengers, the stewardess explained it was to keep their ears from popping. When the plane landed, one of the passengers rushed up to her and said, I'm meeting my wife right away. How do I get the gum out from my ears?怎么把口香糖取出来呢当空中小姐给乘客们发口香糖的时候，她解释说口香糖有助于他们防止耳鸣。飞机着陆后，一位乘客跑到这位空中小姐面前，说道：“ 我马上就要见到我妻子了。我怎么才能把口香糖从耳朵里面取出来呢？”"

14、"There was a blind beggar wearing sunglasses and asking for money. A drunk man walked by, thinking the beggar was pitiful, threw him a hundred r walking a few steps, the drunkard turned around to see the blind man holding the money up to the sunlight to check if it was genuine. The drunk man, feeling cheated, ran back and snatched the money back, “You’re gonna die! How dare you cheat me…”The blind man, not wanting to feel like a cheater, retorted, “Hey man, I’m sorry, I’m just here to replace my friend who really is blind. He went to the bathroom, and should be right back… Actually… I’m mute.”“Oh, oh, in that case...” whereupon the drunk threw the money back and stumbled away.在路边一个盲人乞丐戴着墨镜在街上行乞。一个醉汉走过来，觉得他可怜，就扔了一百元给他。走了一段路，醉汉一回头，恰好看见那个盲人正对着太阳分辨那张百元大抄的真假。醉汉过来一把夺回钱道：“你不想活了，竟敢骗老子！” 盲人乞丐一脸委屈说：“大哥，真对不起啊，我是替一个朋友"在这看一下，他是个瞎子，去上厕所了，其实我是个哑巴。”“哦，是这样子啊！”于是醉汉扔下钱，又摇摇晃晃地走了……

15、"The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled. His father knew it, but his grandma doted on（溺爱，宠爱） him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum（乱发脾气） . Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving he came home from school his grandma met him at the door. "Was school all right?" she asked, "Did you get along all right? Did you cry?""Cry?" John asked. "No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!"六岁的约翰娇生惯养。他的父亲知道这一点，可他的祖父母仍然宠着他。这孩子几乎寸步不离他的祖母。他想要什么不是哭，就是闹。他第一天上学才离开祖母的怀抱。约翰放学了，他奶奶在门口接他并问道：“学校怎么样？你过的好吗？哭了没有？”“哭？”约翰问，“不，我没哭，可老师哭了。”"

16、"On a trip to Disney Worldin Florida, my husband and I and our two children devoted ourselves wholeheartedly to the wonders of this attraction. After three exhausting days, we headed for we drove away, our son waved and said, "Goodbye, Mickey."Our daughter waved and said, "Goodbye, Minnie."My husband waved, rather weakly, and said, "Goodbye, Money."迪斯尼之旅 弗罗里达州的迪斯尼乐园是一个迷人的地方。一次我和丈夫以及两个孩子前往旅游，我们全身心地沉醉在它的各种奇观之中。精疲力竭地玩了三天之后，我们要回家了。当我们驱车离开时，儿子挥手说：“再见，美奇。”女儿挥着手说，“再见，美妮。”丈夫也有气无力地挥了挥手，说道：“再见，美元。”"

17、"A preacher is buying a parrotAre you sure it doesnt scream, yell, or swear? asked the absolutely. Its a religious parrot, the storekeeper assures you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lords prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd erful! says the preacher, but what happens if you pull both strings?I fall off my perch, you stupid fool! screeched the parrot.一个传教士在买鹦鹉“你确信它不会尖叫，大叫或诅咒别人吗？”传教士问。“哦，绝对不会。它是一只虔诚的鹦鹉。”店主保证说。“你看见它腿上的这些细绳了吗？当你拉动右面的这根，它会背诵天主经，当你拉动左面的那根，它会背诵赞美诗”“太棒了！”传教士说，“但是如果我同时拉动两条绳子，会发生什么呢？”“我会从树干上掉下去的，你这个笨蛋！”鹦鹉尖声说道。"

18、A store manager heard a clerk tell a customer.“No，ma’am， we haven't had any for a while， and it doesn't look asif we'll be getting soon.” Horrified，the manager came runningover to the customer and said，“Of course， we'll have somesoon， We placed an order last week.” Then the manager drewthe clerk aside：“Never， never， never say we are out of anything—say we've got it on order and it's coming. Now whatwas it she wanted？” “Rain.” said the clerk.一个商店经理听见一个店员对顾客说：“不，夫人，这会儿没有，一时半会儿看来也不会有。”经理惊恐万分地跑到顾客跟前说：“当然，马上就会有的。我们上周订了货。”然后经理把店员拉到一边：“千万，千万，千万不要说我们没有什么——说我们已经订了货，货马上就到。现在你说她要买什么？” “雨，”店员说。

19、"A mother is very good at using every chance to educate his son, who was only three years old. One day, she took a plug and said to her son, " Look, there are two pieces of copper, so it must be plugged in a place where there are two holes. Where do you think it should be plugged?" She waited for an answer expectfully .　　"Plug in nose." is the answer.一位母亲十分善于利用每一个机会对孩子进行教育。她的儿子只有三岁。一天，她拿着一个插头对儿子说：“看，这里有两个铜片，那它一定要插在有两个孔的地方。你说它应该插在哪儿呢？”母亲期待着儿子的回答。“插在鼻子里！”儿子回答说。"

20、"A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a result." Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late." At this point, one passenger became furious. "For Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!"一架747客机正在跨越大西洋时，喇叭里传来了机长的声音：“旅客们请注意，我们的四个引擎中有一个丢失了。但剩下的三个引擎会把我们带到伦敦的。只是我们要因此晚到一小时　。” 过了一会儿，旅客们又听到机长的声音：“各位，你们猜怎么啦　？我们刚又掉了第三个引擎。但请你们相信好了。只有一个引擎我们也能飞，但要晚三个小时了。”"正在这时，一位乘客非常气愤地说：“看在上帝的份上，如果我们再掉一个引擎，我们就要整夜都要呆在天上了。”

21、On one occasion when Mark Twain arrived in London from New York，the Star thought the fact worth recording onits evening there was another piece of news to bementioned：it was about the Ascot Cup being lacard thus ran： MARK TWAIN ARRIVES. ASCOT CUP STOLEN. Mark Twain，we believe，never heard the last of it.有一次，马克·吐温从纽约起程抵达伦敦访问，《星报》认为这个消息值得登在它的晚招贴上。但是，还有一条消息也要登上：关于爱斯科杯被盗的消息。招贴是这样写的： 马克·吐温 光临 爱斯科杯 被盗 我们相信，马克·吐温从来也没听说过这件事。

22、"At 2 a. m, Mrs. Culkin was convinced that she had heard a prowler in the living, room. "Tiptoe down-stairs," she told her husband. "Don' t turn on the lights. Sneak up him before he knows what's happening 　　Dutifully Mr. Culkin put on his robe. Just as he reached the bedroom door, his wife added, "And when you come back, bring me a glass of milk."半夜两点，科尔肯太太确信听到客厅有贼，便对丈夫说：“别开灯，蹑手蹑脚下楼，别让贼发觉，悄悄靠近他。”科尔肯先生披上外套，责无旁贷地去捉贼。刚走到卧室门口，他妻子又补充说：“回来时给我捎杯牛奶。”"

23、"At the cleaner's, I noticed the sign "In by 10 a. m. , out by 5 p. m. " so I told the owner that I wanted to pick my clothing up at five. "it won't be ready," he said.　　"But your sign says, 'In by 10 a. m. , out by 5 p. m.'," I reminded him. 　　"Oh," he replied, "that means me.在洗衣店，我看到招牌上写着：“上午10点进，下午5点出。”因此我就告诉店主我想在下午5点取衣。“下午5点还不能取，”他说。 “但是你的牌子上写着：‘上午10点进，下午5点出’，”我提醒他说。“哦，”他回答说，“那指的是我。”"

24、4-year-old Begin and his cousin scrambled (攀爬，争抢) for toys. His mum told him: “ You are older brother because you’re older than your (cousin) sister. You should give ground to her. ” Begin thought a little but maintained(坚持) : “ My sister must give ground to me when she grows older than I.” His uncle around overheard and said : “Such a thing hardly occurs.”四岁的贝京和小妹妹争玩具。妈妈对他说：“你大，你是哥哥，要让着小妹妹点儿。” 贝京想了想，坚持说：“等妹妹长得比我大了，她也得让着我。”姨夫在一旁听了说：“这种情况相当罕见。

25、The New Baby or had a seven year old boy named or was expecting another child. Pat had seen babies in other people's houses and had not liked them very much，so he was not delighted about the news that there was soon going to be one in his house too. One evening or were making plans for the baby's arrival.“This house won't be big enough for us all when the baby comes，”said or. Pat came into the room just then and said，“What are you talking about？”“We were saying that we'll have to move to an other house now，because the new baby's coming，”his mother answered. “ It's no use，”said Pat hopelessly.“ He'll follow us there.”泰勒夫妇有一个七岁的男孩，名叫帕特。现在泰勒太太正怀着第二胎。 帕特在别人家看见过婴儿，他不太喜欢他们，所以他对自己家里也将有一个婴儿的消息感到不满。 一天晚上，泰勒夫妇正在为这个婴儿的降生计划做安排。泰勒先生说：“有了婴儿，我们的房子就太小，不够住了。”帕特恰好在这个时候走进屋，他问：“你们在说什么？”他的母亲回答说：“我们在说我们现在得搬家，因为婴儿就要诞生了。” “那没用，”帕特绝望地说。“他会跟我们到那儿去的。”

26、"A highway patrol officer stopped a speeding motorist. "Don't you know what the blinking lights and siren mean?" he demanded.　　"Yes, sir," replied the driver. 　　"Then why didn't you pull over immediately?" 　　"I would have, officer, " the man said. "But last month my wife ran off with a policeman, and I was afraid you were bringing her back.一位公路巡警截住了一个超速司机。“难道你不知道闪烁灯和警笛的意思吗？”他责问道。 　　“知道，长官，”司机回答说。“那你为什么不立即靠边停车？” 　　“我本来想这样做的，长官。”那男子回答说，“但上个月我妻子和一位警察私奔了，我是害怕你把她带回来。”"

27、"Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?""I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered."You're a good boy," said the mother proudly."Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?""She is the one who sells the candy."小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。“你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”“她是个卖糖果的。”"

28、A man who had been married for ten years was consulting a marriage counselor. “When I was first married，I was very happy. I'd come home from a hard day down at the shop，and my little dog would race around barking，and my wife would bring me my everything's I come home，my dog brings me my slippers，and my wife barks at me.” “I don't know what you're complaining about，”said the counselor.“You're still getting the same service.”一个结婚十年的男人正在请教一位婚姻顾问。“刚结婚那会儿，我非常幸福。我在店里劳累一天回到家，我的小狗会绕着我跑，汪汪叫，而我的妻子给我拿来拖鞋。现在一切都变了。我回到家里，我的狗给我拿来拖鞋，我的妻子对着我汪汪叫。” “我不知道你在抱怨什么，”婚姻顾问说。“你得到的服务还是一样的呀。”

29、The Name of a PoetOur teacher was telling us about a new system of memory training being used in some schools today. “It works like this，” she said.“Suppose you wanted tore member the name of a poet—Robert Burns，for instance.”She told us to think of him as Bobby Burns.“Now get in your head a picture of a London policeman，a bobby in ？Bobby Burns！” “I see what you mean，” said the class know it all.“But how can you tell that it's Not Robert Browning？”我们的老师正在给我们介绍现在某些学校使用的一种新的记忆训练系统。“这个系统是这样的，”她说。“假定你要记住一个诗人的名字——例如，要记住罗伯特·彭斯的名字。”她告诉我们把他当作博比·彭斯。“让你的脑海里闪现出一个伦敦警察的形象，燃烧着的警察。明白吗？警察燃烧！” “我明白你的意思，”班上的万事通说。“但是你怎么能说那就不是罗伯特·布朗宁呢？”

30、"Teacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?Student: Big hands.老师：如果我左手上有7个桔子，右手上有8个桔子。那么我有什么？学生：大手。"

31、"A tourist was visiting New Mexico and was amazed at the dinosaur bones lying about."How old are these bones?" the tourist asked an elderly Native American, who served as a guide."Exactly one hundred million and three years old."How can you be so sure?" inquired the tourist."Well," replied the guide, " a geologist came by here and told me these bones were one hundred million years old, and that was exactly three years ago.一位游客在新墨西哥游览。他对随处可见的恐龙化石甚感惊奇。“这些化石有多长的历史？”游客问一个上了年纪的当地美国人。他是作向导的。“整整十亿零三年了。” “你怎么这么肯定？”游客问道。 “哦，”向导回答道，“一个地质学家来过这儿，他告诉我说这些化石有十亿年了，再加上那是整整三年前的事了。”"

32、"Little Johnny says "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.""You've done the right thing," says Mommy."But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap."小强尼说：“妈妈，今天早上和爸爸在公车上时，他叫我让座给一位女士。”妈妈说：“你做得很对呀。”“但是，妈妈，我是坐在爸爸膝盖上的。”"

33、"Looking very unhappy, a poor man entered a doctor's consulting-room."Doctor," he said, "you must help me. I swallowed a penny about a month ago.""Good heavens, man!" said the doctor. "Why have you waited so long? Why don't you come to me on the day you swallowed it?""To tell you the truth, Doctor," the poor man replied, "I didn't need the money so badly then."一个看起来很难受的穷人走进大夫的诊室。"大夫！"他说，"帮帮我！一个月前我吞了一分硬币！""天哪，"大夫说，"早干嘛去了？你当时怎么不来看？""实话告诉您吧，大夫，"穷人说，"我当时还不缺钱！""

34、"Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings."Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!""Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。“看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀！”“是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢？”哥哥想了会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。”"

35、"Son: "Dad, you are available to you on Friday afternoon?"Dad: "What ah?"Son: "mini-school parents have to open the forum!"Dad: "What is micro-parents forum?"Son: "It's only a class, you and I participate in!"儿子：“爸爸，星期五下午您有空吗？”爸爸：“什么事啊？”儿子：“学校要开微型家长座谈会！”爸爸：“什么叫微型家长座谈会？”儿子：“就是只有班主任，你和我参加！”"

36、"Do You Know Santa's True Profession?Consider the following:1. You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants."2. Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.3. Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do all his work for him, but he's the one who everybody credits with the work.4. Santa doesn't work a 40-hour week.5. Santa travels a a is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!圣诞老人的真实职业是什么？考虑以下几点1. 你其实从来没见过圣诞老人，你看见的都是他得助手（他得助手真的好多，除了过圣诞节的所有父母外，还有职业“圣诞老人”）2. 圣诞老人不想退休，就可以一直当他的圣诞老人。3. 圣诞老人不会做实事，他都是指挥一堆帮手帮他做完所有的事情，但是事情做得好还是不好，功绩和责任都算圣诞老人的。4. 圣诞老人实行的可不是朝九晚五双休制。5. 圣诞老人经常旅行圣诞老人显然是一个高级职员（please, 这世界上还有比他的工作更好的工作吗？）"

37、"I Have His Ear in My PocketIvan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?""A kid bit me," replied Ivan."Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother."I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."他的耳朵在我衣兜里伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？”“一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。”"

38、"One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a I finally entered the house, I called out.'The woman who lovesyou the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield.'My husband looked up and said, 'Mom's here?'一天晚上我开着丈夫的车去购物，回来后发现车身沾满灰尘，于是擦洗了一阵。当我终于走进屋里时大声喊：“世界上最爱你的女人刚擦洗了你的车灯和挡风玻璃。”我丈夫抬头看了看，说：“妈妈来了？”"

39、"A schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach. Well, sit down and eat your tea, said his mother. Your stomach's hurting because it's empty. It'll be all right when you've got something in tly afterwards Dad come in from the office, complaining of a 's because it's empty, said his bright son. You'd be all right if you had something in it.一个男孩放学回家时，觉得肚子痛。来，坐下，吃点点心，妈妈说，你肚子痛是因为肚子是空的。吃点东西就会好的。一会儿，男孩的爸爸下班回家了，说是头痛。你头痛是因为你的脑袋是空的，他那聪明的儿子说，里面装点东西，就会好的。"

40、"In class the teacher showed pictures of various birds. Then he asked one of the students, "What kind of bird do you like best, Jack?"Jack thought a moment, then answered, "Fried chicken, sir."老师在课堂上向学生们展示了各种各样的鸟的照片。然后他问其中一名学生，“杰克，你最喜欢哪种鸟儿啊？”杰克想了想，回答，“炸鸡，老师。”"

41、"I've Just Bitten My Tongue"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother."Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?""Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "我刚咬破自己的舌头“我们有毒吗？”一个年幼的蛇问它的母亲。“是的，亲爱的，”她回答说，“你问这个干什么？”“因为我刚刚咬破自己的舌头。”"

42、""Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client tobe accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew hisway around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!""法官先生，我的当事人被指控偷窃，这是多么不公正啊。他一周前才来到纽约，几乎不认路。而且，他只会说几个英语单词。"法官看了看被告，问道："你会说多少英文？"被告抬起头，说："把你的钱包给我！""

43、"Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt y: That's too bad. How did that happen?Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。"

44、"Three pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, You know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft（阁楼） and attic at church. I’ve tried everything----noise, spray, cats----nothing seems to scare them her said, Yes, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry（钟楼） and in the attic. I’ve been had the place fumigated（熏制） , and they still won’t go third said, I baptized（洗礼） all mine, and made them members of the n’t seen one back since!三个南部的牧师在一家小餐馆里吃午饭。其中的一个说道：“你们知道吗，自从夏天来临，我的教堂的阁楼和顶楼就被蝙蝠骚扰，我用尽了一切办法----噪音、喷雾、猫----似乎什么都不能把它们赶走。”另外一位说：“是啊，我也是。在我的钟楼和阁楼也有好几百只。我曾经请人把整个地方用烟熏消毒一遍，它们还是赶不走。”第三个牧师说：“我为我那里的所有蝙蝠洗礼，让它们成为教会的一员......从此一只也没有再回来过。”"

45、"Our son, at age of five, had a fascination for motorcycles. The sight of one would always bring forth squeals（长声尖叫） of delight, accompanied by excited remarks of Look at that! Look at that! I'm going to have one of those someday, his dad's response always was Not as long as I'm day, while our son was talking to a little friend, a motorcycle passed by. He excitedly pointed it out to the boy and exclaimed, Look at that! Look at that! I'm getting one of those as soon as my dad dies.我五岁的儿子对摩托车有强烈的爱好。只要看见一辆摩托车，他就会高兴得哇哇直叫，并激动地说：瞧这辆！瞧这辆，我总有一天也要有一辆。他爸爸的回答老是只要我活着，你就别想有这玩艺儿。一天我们的儿子跟他的小朋友在说话，有一辆摩托车开了过去。他兴奋的指着摩托车叫道瞧这辆！瞧这辆！等我爸一死我就要有这样一辆摩托车了。"

46、"A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on is the situation, she said. A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?A girl raised her hand and asked, to draw out all of his savings?小学四年级的教师正在给学生们上一堂逻辑课。她举了这么一个例子：有这样一种情况，一个男人在河中心的船上钓鱼，突然失去重心掉进了水里。于是他开始挣扎并喊救命。他的妻子听到了他的喊声，知道他并不会游泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。谁能告诉我这是为什么？ 一个女生举手答道，是不是去取他的存款？"

47、"Will and Bill were quarrelling about whose father was the said, "Well, you know the Pacific Ocean ? My father's the one who dug the hole for it."Bill wasn't impressed, "Well, that's nothing. You know the Dead Sea ? My father's the one who killed it!"维尔和比尔在争吵，谁的爸爸是更强壮的一个。维尔说：“你知道太平洋吗？那个坑是我爸爸挖的。”比尔不屑地说：“那没什么。你知道死海吗？ 那是我爸爸打死的。”"

48、"Returning from a golf outing（远足，短途旅行） , my husband was greeted at the door by Sara, our four-year-old daughter. Daddy, who won the golf game? You or Uncle Richie?Uncle Richie and I don't play golf to win, my husband hedged（避免作正面答复） . We just play to have unted, Sare said, Okay, Daddy, who had more fun?丈夫打完高尔夫球回来，我们四岁的女儿莎拉在门口迎了上去。爸爸，谁赢了高尔夫球比赛，是你还是理查叔叔？我和理查叔叔打高尔夫球不是为赢，丈夫推诿说。我们打球只是为了好玩而已。莎拉毫不气馁，又问：那么，爸爸，谁觉得更好玩呢？"

49、Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages?Betty: Because they had so many knights.老师：为什么有时我们称中世纪为黑暗时代呢？贝蒂：因为那时有许多骑士。

50、"A teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"Little Johnny then stood teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?""No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"一个老师在对学生们讲心理学，“谁认为自己蠢就站起来？”她一开始就说。小约翰尼站了起来。“你认为你很蠢吗，小约翰尼？”老师问。“不是的，老师，我只是不喜欢看你一个人站着。”"

51、"The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled. His father knew it, but his grandma doted on（溺爱，宠爱） him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum（乱发脾气） . Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving he came home from school his grandma met him at the door. "Was school all right?" she asked, "Did you get along all right? Did you cry?""Cry?" John asked. "No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!"六岁的约翰娇生惯养。他的父亲知道这一点，可他的祖父母仍然宠着他。这孩子几乎寸步不离他的祖母。他想要什么不是哭，就是闹。他第一天上学才离开祖母的怀抱。约翰放学了，他奶奶在门口接他并问道：“学校怎么样？你过的好吗？哭了没有？”“哭？”约翰问，“不，我没哭，可老师哭了。”"

52、"When Jack bowed to someone, he always did it at lightening speed. You shouldn't wait any longer after he has had his head nod. So he was blamed for no manners. Then some warmhearted men taught him, When you bow to somebody next time, you can count 'January, February, March. until December. Then you can lift your body up. Thus, the ceremony will be next day, he met his uncle, he did as the men told him. The bow was so long that it made his uncle feel surprised and escaped away soon . When Jack looked up, he found his uncle gone . So he asked the passer, Which month did he go away?杰克给人鞠躬，飞快地一点头，就算完了。大家都怪他不懂礼貌。于是便有好心的人教他说，下次鞠躬的时候，你就在心里数：一月、二月、……一直数到十二月为止，然后再直起身来。这样，礼节就周全了。第二天，杰克见到他的叔叔，他便如法炮制。这躬鞠得太久，叔叔吃了一惊，赶紧逃开了。杰克抬头一看，其叔早已不知去向，他便问过路人：我叔叔几月走的？"

53、"Teacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?Student: Big hands.老师：如果我左手上有7个桔子，右手上有8个桔子。那么我有什么？学生：大手。"

54、"Before the final examination, Tom told his mother, "Mom, I had a dream last night that I'd passed today's exam.""Don't trust dreams, dear. It is said what you experience in dreams usually turns out to be the opposite." Mother replied."Then I do hope I'll fail the other subjects in my dream tonight," Tom said.在期末考试之前，汤姆告诉他的母亲：“妈妈，我昨天晚上做了一个梦，梦见我通过了今天的考试。”“不要相信梦，亲爱的。据说梦中的经历通常与现实相反。”妈妈答道。“那么，我真希望在今晚的梦中，我的其他功课都不及格。”汤姆说。"

55、"Mother: Mary, why do you yell and scream so much? Play quietly like Eddie. See, he doesn't make a : Of course he doesn't. Mom, it's part of the game we are playing. He is Daddy coming home late, and I'm you.妈妈：玛丽，你为什么这样大喊大叫的？ 为什么不能像艾迪那样安安静静的玩儿呢？你看艾迪一声儿都不出。玛丽：妈妈，艾迪当然不会出声了，因为我们俩正在玩爸爸回家迟到的游戏呢，他扮演爸爸，我扮演你。"

56、"Mother asked her little boy, Darling, what did the teacher teach you today?Nothing, Mum, answered the son proundly, instead, she asked me how much one plus two was, and I told her three.母亲问她年幼的儿子：宝贝，今天老师教了你些什么？ 　儿子骄傲地说：什么都没教，妈妈。她反倒问我一加二等于几，我告诉她等于三。"

57、"The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog."It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?""Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"一个小男孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。“没有关系，”一位先生说，“不用害怕，你知道这条谚语吗：‘吠狗不咬人。’”“啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道吗？”"

58、"Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings."Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!""Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。“看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀！”“是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢？”哥哥想了一会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。”"

59、"Tom: Mom, can I have two pieces of cake, please?Mom: Certainly -- take this piece and cut it two!汤姆：妈妈，我可以吃两块蛋糕吗？妈妈：当然可以----拿这块蛋糕把它切成两块吧！"

60、"Teacher: If I cut a beefsteak in half and then cut the half in half, what do I get?Tommy: her: And then if I cut it twice again?Tommy: Hamburger.老师：如果我把一块牛排切成两半的两半，我能得到几块儿？汤米：四块。老师：那我要是再切两次，我能得到什么呢？汤米：汉堡。"

61、"Two sisters were looking at a book of religious pictures and came across a painting of the Virgin and the baby Jesus.姐妹俩在看一本宗教画册时，刚好看到一幅圣母玛利亚和圣婴耶稣的图画。"See there," said the older sister, "that's Jesus, and that's his mother."姐姐说：“瞧，这是耶稣，这是他的妈妈。”"Where's his dad?" the younger girl wanted to know.“他的爸爸在哪里？”妹妹想知道。Her sister thought for a moment and explained, "Oh, he's taking the picture."姐姐想了一会儿，解释道：“噢，他正在拍照。”"

62、"A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest boy and returned to her.一位女士圣诞节购物时丢了钱包。一个诚实的小男孩捡到了钱包，还给了她。Looking in her purse, she commented, "'s funny. When I lost my purse there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."她看了看钱包，说：“嗯……真有趣。我丢钱包时，里面有一张20元的钞票。现在却有20张一元的钞票。”The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."那个男孩马上回答说：“没错，太太。上次我捡到一位女士的钱包，她没有零钱酬谢。”"

63、"Two boys are talking about the sun and the moon. "Which one of them is more useful?" asked one of them.两个男孩在谈论太阳和月亮。“它们中哪个更有用？”其中一个问道。"Of course the moon is. The moon is in the sky when it's dark, but the sun is in the sky in the daytime when nobody needs it."“当然是月亮。月亮在天黑时挂在天空，但太阳是在白天谁也不需要它时挂在天空。”"

64、"One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk." "But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？”“唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”"

65、"When our daughter was born, we named her Myles, after my beloved late（已故的） father, despite family warning that the name was too masculine（男性的） s later, when I felt she was old enough to understand, I explained to Myles, Your name is very special. I named you after my own father because I loved him very much. I know he would be proud of s thought carefully about this and then said, I know all that, Mom. But I don't understand why my grandfather had a girl's name.女儿出生时，我们给她取名叫迈尔斯，和我深爱的业已过世的父亲同一个名字，不过家人提醒这个名字太男性化了。几年以后，我觉得迈尔斯已经长大，能够懂事了。我对她解释说：你的名字很特别。我给你取了一个和我爸爸一样的名字，因为我非常爱他。我相信他会为你而深感自豪的。迈尔斯很仔细地想了一下，然后说道：这些我都懂，妈妈。可是我不知道外公为什么会有一个女孩子的名字。"

66、"One stupid guy reads an ad about a vacation cruise that costs only $ r he signs up and pays, the travel agent hits him with a bat, knocks him unconscious and throws him out the back door into the river. Soon another guy comes in, pays his fee and gets the same treatment.　　Fifteen minutes later, as the two are floating down the river together, the first man says, "I wonder if they're serving any food on this cruise." 　　"I don' t know, the second guy replied. "They didn't last year."一愚笨之人读到一则假日巡航游只须花100元的广告。在他签了字付了款后，旅游经纪人用棒猛击了他一下，把他打昏了过去，并把他从后门扔进了河里。不久又来了一个人，付了钱并得到了相同的待遇。 十五分钟后，这两个人一起向河的下游漂去。第一个人说：“不知道他们这次巡航游是否提供食物。” “不知道，”第二个人说道，“去年是没有的。”"

67、"A mother saw her three-year-old son put nickel in his mouth and swallowed it. She immediately picked hime up, turned him upside down and hit him on the back, whereupon he coughed up two dimes. Frantically, she called to the father outside. "Your son just swallowed a nickel and coughed up two dimes!What shall I do? "Yelled back the father,"Keep feeding him nickels!"母亲见三岁的儿子将一枚五分镍币放进嘴里吞了下去，她立刻将他抱起，头朝下不停地拍打他的后背，他咳出了两枚一角的硬币，她发狂似的朝正在外面的孩子父亲喊道： “你儿子刚才吞下了一枚五分镍币，可咳出两枚一角的硬币！我该怎么办呢？”孩子他爸大声回答道：“再喂他几枚镍币！”"

68、One day a man was taunting Alexandre Dumas，the greatFrench novelist，with his ancestry. “Why，” snarled the fellow，“you are a quadroon；yourfather was a mulatto，and your grandfather was a negro.” “Yes，” roared Dumas，“and，if you wish to know'mygreatgrandfather was a monkey. In fact， my pedigree beganwhere yours terminates.”有一天，一个人在嘲弄法国大小说家亚历山大·仲马，讥笑他的祖先。 那家伙厉声说：“唔，你是四分之一黑白混血儿，你父亲是黑白混血儿，而你的祖父是个黑人。” “是的，”仲马大声回敬：“还有呢，如果你想知道的话， 我的曾祖父是一只猴子。其实我的血统起始于你的血统终止的地方。”

69、"A farmer and his son, traveling by horse and buggy up a narrow lane, met a motorist going the other way. There was no room to pass for two miles in either direction. The motorist, in hurry, honked his horn .　　"If you don't back up," said the farmer, rolling up his sleeves, I won't like what I'm going to have to do." The surprised driver put his car in reverse and backed up two miles, allowing the horse and buggy to go by. "What was it you wouldn't have liked to have done back there?" asked the farmer's son. 　　"Back up two miles," replied the farmer.一位农夫和他的儿子乘坐轻便马车来到一段窄路，他们遇到一个开车的人向相反的方向去。两个方向的两英里以内都没有地方可以使他们相擦而过。驾车人甚是着急，按响了喇叭。 “如果你不后退，”农夫说着撸起了袖子，“我可不喜欢我将不得不做的事。”司机吃惊不小，挂上倒挡，向后退了两英里，让轻便马车先过去。 　　“刚才在那儿你说过的你不喜欢要做的事是什么？”农夫的儿子问道"。 　　“退后两英里，”农夫回答道。

70、"A teacher was always so involved in the text being studied that he never looked up . He would call on a student for translation and explanation, and-without realizing it-he often chose the same student day after day. Out of respect, the student wouldn't point this out to him.　　After being called on four days in a row, a student named Goldberg asked advice from his friends. The next day when the teacher said "Goldberg, translate and explain," Goldberg replied, "Goldberg is absent today ." 　　"All right," said the teacher. "YOU translate and explain.一位老师对所讲课文总是非常投入，从不抬头。他常让一个学生来翻译和解释，并且----不自觉地----他常日复一日地叫同一个学生。出于尊敬，学生并不给他指出这一点。一个叫古德伯格的学生，在被一连叫了四天之后，向他的朋友寻求建议。第二天，这位教师又说：“古德伯格，翻译并解释。”古德伯格回答说：“古德伯格今天缺席。” 　　“那好吧，”教师说，“那就你来翻译并解释。”"